she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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