fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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