I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
40s are totally the cure
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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