quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
