I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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