When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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