it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
