Can i not drive my cunt home
no you cant smoke seaweed
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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