currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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