im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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