Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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