I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
