You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
