Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
even my farts smell like vagina
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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