Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
