are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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