So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
