hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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