My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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