You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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