just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
