God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
