1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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