Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
