Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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