I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
