Need sex. Gaining weight.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
