my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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