I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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