Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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