I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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