Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
