I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
