I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
