I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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