If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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