its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
