You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
