I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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