I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
