yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
