You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
