i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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