Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
