I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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