took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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