You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
