im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
