I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
