he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
