my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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