right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
