Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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