thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
